i am going insane. i have 2 more weeks of living in this basement, avoiding my hovering parents during the day by sleeping and staying up all night playing pokemon (which isn’t that bad, but i miss the sun). my friends aren’t as accessible as they are at UD and NOBODY LIKES SNAPCHAT AS MUCH AS I DO! also i’ve been eating purely junk food to avoid going in the kitchen to cook, where my dad would literally just stand behind me and not say anything the entire time…it’s as unsettling as it sounds.
but in 2 weeks, when i can finally breathe fresh air again, i’ll be driving to dayton to reunite with my UDSAP friends and together we’ll make the drive down to kentucky for the rest of the summer. 9 weeks of sleeping on a porch under the stars, playing with sticky kids all morning and hanging out with teens all night, hiking through the mountains and going days without showers. i want to cry thinking about it. i’m not letting myself think about how undeserving i feel because i tore myself apart just filling out the application, but from what my brother tells me, they fell in love with me and now i get to try to become a good enough person to deserve it.
after i get back from kentucky, i’ll spend a couple days at home packing and shopping for my house, then i’ll haul it all to 57 woodland, weeks before anyone can move in. my own kitchen. what i’ve been waiting for since the beginning of dorm food freshman year. no more pity vegetarian options in the dining halls! and i’m living with my best friends, and next door/down the street to the rest of my friends. (because, surprisingly, i actually have a solid amount of friends).
all of that is waiting for me at the other side of these 2 weeks. so, to make sure i don’t go insane waiting for it to be over, i think i’m going to keep playing pokemon and ride my bike and listen to music and pretend that i’m not wishing this time away.
back at school! i stayed up all night, then decided i was tired of sitting around so i started driving back at 8 am. i got to school just in time to watch it begin to snow and i ran into the chapel to help with palm sunday noon mass. then i ran out after, momentarily stopping to watch it snow, then drove the car back to my brother’s house and went to my UDSAP meeting until 3. which was great, i really like everyone there. it made me feel good to be back. then i fell asleep on the floor of my room until about 2 or 3 am.
now i’m up! and doing all the homework i didn’t do at home because i was avoiding it, like the rest of my problems at school.
also my hair goes into a tiny bun now. i can’t stop giggling at it.
being at home is nice. and also awful.
going back to school in the morning is bittersweet but i’ll be back here in a few days for easter break. if only being home would help me unwind all the knots that worrying puts in my body…
sometimes it’s 4 am and all wrapped up in my comforter i feel really good about myself, despite the fact that my hair is incredibly awkward, i’m not wearing any makeup, and i haven’t slept more than 5 hours in the past 3 days.
Let me sum up today:
- I met with my english professor, who gave me A’s on three assignments and could only say positive things today
- I got accepted into UDSAP. That program that I’ve been agonizing over because I didn’t feel good enough… I got accepted. And my good friend was the one who told me. So I cried and we hugged and I’m so happy with my life.
- I got to watch two of my friends also get accepted into UDSAP, and we hugged and cried again and I’m even happier that I can share this with them.
- The person who likes me asked me on a date… so…
Such a good weird disorienting amazing day. Just… idk I feel like I’ve been having a hard time lately trying to hold everything together and now everything finally feels right. I’m happy :)
positives of the day: i like my hair, i made pancakes for a bunch of students/my friends and danced to really good christian music at the same time, i watched SNL in my friend’s apartment with a ton of those friends
negatives of the day: slept until 6 PM, didn’t start studying for my first big chemistry exam, was really really harsh and down on myself about bein “bad” at interacting with people
which right now makes it feel like it’s been a bad day but i think i’m just being negative. but, for example, i was walking home from that friend’s apartment and i had heard someone walking behind me kind of closely, but i was being paranoid so i didn’t turn around. then they walked ahead and turned around and i saw that it was this boy who i have a crush on and can never manage to talk to. did i say hi to him? no. i do this every time i see him and i feel like i give everyone the wrong impression of me. i hate how anti-social and uninterested i seem whenever someone talks to me or when i try to talk to someone, but it just makes me so anxious that i can’t handle myself.
and in reality it’s not a huge deal. but i’ve been beating myself up over it for a few hours and i need to stop telling myself i’m a bad person.
positives of the day: i went to work, it was ash wednesday and i got ashes, i remembered i own these headphones.
negatives: i’m still sick, i tried to call off work but i fell asleep instead and woke up 10 minutes before my shift, i just remembered i have a paper due tomorrow, i’m going to find out about UDSAP tomorrow or friday….when someone comes and tells me IN PERSON if i’m going or not.
but i’m going to pretend like the positives outnumber the negatives!
so i work in a residence hall on campus and freshmen can’t move in until tomorrow.
but this family just flew in from china and didn’t know they had to fill something out a month ago to be able to move in today, so i had to tell them they have to find somewhere else to stay… they were so sweet about it but they’ve been in the lobby for the past hour just sitting there, looking sad.
you don’t need to speak chinese to know they’re sad about having to spend money on a hotel room tonight. ugh.
i tried doing my makeup to distract myself from feeling poopy and i ended up looking like a prostitute.
early morning thoughts:
- there comes a point in sleeplessness that you give up and decide to stay awake til the next nighttime.
- there are 4 spoonfuls of sugar in my coffee. yuck.
- goal of the morning is to find my gameboy.
- how do people wake up this early and make breakfast? even toast. that just sounds like so much work…
- i just want mac and cheese anyway. who says i can’t eat mac and cheese for breakfast? who decided that?!
- winks are hard.
the part at the end about babies was spot on, though
my whole family just walked into my room, planning to wake me up because its almost 7 pm
but i was awake… on my computer…
i’ve been sitting in bed all day because i’m too lazy to get up and make food
i’m not a highly motivated person
merry christmas eve!
today i saw the hobbit despite never seeing anything lord of the rings and went to a family party
also my brother and i forgot until tonight to get something for my parents so… we’ll sneakily go to the store tomorrow and hope for the best
also i’m wearing a dress from the 70s
also i’ve been feeling super sick since last night and can’t really stand up for too long because i’m so dizzy
also i’m going to go eat ice cream out of the carton
i can put my hair into a tiny pony tail!
my roommates, in a nutshell